reluctantly_aware

Proost

2011-04-11T08:34:00.001-07:00

Proost,

Op de liefde die geen liefde was,
Op de zachtrode troost in dit wijnglas,
Op de onvermijdelijke herhaling die volgen zal,
Op de verslavende klim van hoop, en de diepe val.

Natalie

2010-05-16T06:39:00.001-07:00

Gevangen in de onzekerheid voor jouw toekomstige welzijn,
maar in extase door jouw komend bestaan, jouw zijn.
Mijn excuses voor de onvervulde dromen en gebroken hoop,
voor de winter, voor de onrechtvaardigheid, voor de dood,
voor de onzekerheid en kwestbaarheid van geluk,
maar de zuivere onvermijdelijkheid van pijn.

Deksel

2009-06-24T09:50:00.001-07:00

Is er een deksel op de leegte van afwezigheid,
voor verloren verlangen, verwant aan teleurstelling en wanhoop,
als illusie wordt gecorrigeerd door de werkelijkheid?

Tussen elf en twaalf.

2009-03-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

Gevangen in het laatste uur van de dag,
wacht ik op mijn straf, mijn bezoek,
de stemmen van jaren geleden.

Geesten van de dames en heren,
die, wellicht ongewild en onbewust,
mijn nachtrust zullen bezweren.

En alleen na hun gezang en geklaag,
over stommiteiten verjaard en begaan,
Laat ik los, en vlucht in dove slaap.

Lesson learned.

2009-03-06T12:23:00.001-08:00

Conversing with another person, another human being, is the most complex of actions. A trick I will never quite master, my only hope is to accomplish it without inflicting too much embarrassment. Yet, on those occasions it does work out well, it is a magnificent experience, inducing a euphoric state not less than any other drug I've tried. To peek, through the prism of language, into the soul of another person, is worth the building of trust that usually precedes it. And reflected to you your own humanity, laid bare in its most fragile form. Naked and vulnerable, without veiled secrets.

And then, you find out that nothing comes without a price.

2009-03-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

The sea is crawling up the beach,
eating, feeding on nuances and doubts,
until what remains is but water and clouds.

Clear and poised with purpose,
Centered around a conviction,
Creates thought with precision.

Even if more considerate hesitation,
would provide more than a small insight,
It wouldn't stop this rising tide.

Pride.

2009-02-28T00:59:00.000-08:00

Perhaps, a virtue that preserves dignity,
makes one stand up, against perceived injustice,
fuels the internal fire that spurs us on,
without much hope or chance of success.

Perhaps, a vice that favours irrationality,
raises arms in the defense of but a flag,
preaches violence over passive pragmatism,
without room for reasonable consideration.

Please, answer us.

2009-02-25T12:42:00.000-08:00

In an ocean of apparent emptiness,
creatures reach to the heavens,
calling out, virtually screaming,
their cries crossing solar systems,
their souls digitally streaming.

"Are there not minds like our own,
or do we face this vast darkness alone?
are we but one in a bare crown?"

And as we listen, strain our ears, and turn to the sky,
robbed of company, and left with this unanswered cry,
it may turn out, our sisters are too far and too few,
and we are destined to wander and wonder alone and free.

Sun

2008-12-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

For that restless star, the sun, that shines on me,
For giving me the opportunity, however briefly, to be,
From my heart to your burning and soulless inner core,
You have my gratitude until time ticks for me no more.

Monddood

2008-11-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

Hoe voorzichtig moet ik zijn, terughoudend of met gepast venijn,
als een zin of een woord, een gedachte verwoord,
een steen kan doen splijten, een vriend kan doen verdwijnen,
en in een zinloze opwelling het vertrouwen wordt gesmoord?

Suzanne

2008-08-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

Geef mij een seconde meer in dit moment,
en ik dank u op mijn blote knieen,
Geef mij een seconde meer,
en ik ben verloren in een nieuw verlangen,
Wanneer haar blik de mijne steelt,
en ik in verlegenheid veschiet van kleur.
Wanneer ik weet dat zij,
onbewust en ongewild, mij heeft gevangen.

Maar, God bestaat of luistert niet,
en haar ogen flitsen weg, naar muur of deur,
En ik kijk haar stiekem na,
wanneer ze elegant opstaat en mijn blik verlaat,
Terug naar haar volle en zalige leven,
omringd door sloten waar ik de sleutel van mis,
Gewond door het pijnlijke en onuitwisbare besef
dat ik het zal moeten doen met de kennis dat zij bestaat.

Anouk - The Dark

2008-06-21T02:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not always fond of Anouk's music, it is not really my style. Sometimes though, she just blows me away. After 8 years, this clip still manages to impress me.

And... the Irish said 'No'.

2008-06-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Here is an idea, if the Irish don't want to play along with the EU, why not keep the following referendum in Ireland: "Should Ireland trade in its EU membership for an EFTA membership?". If implemented, it would join the ranks of countries like Switzerland and Norway, which profit from the open market, but don't want to transfer sovereign powers to the EU. Of course, they also don't benefit from EU subsidies and grants.

In my opinion, the Irish rejection illustrates nicely why it may not be desirable to maintain the principle that one nation, and one nation alone, can hold back a decision on a continental scale.

The Lisbon Treaty, Yes or No?

2008-06-13T01:45:00.001-07:00

At this point, the vote-count is still on and the future of the European Union is on a knife's edge. If Ireland has turned down the Treaty of Lisbon in their referendum, it could throw back the reform process of the EU for at least another few years. Or, in the words of a member of the European Parliament when asked what the backup plan is for the EU in case of an Irish 'no': "Plan B? There is no plan B".

So, either way, the Irish are about to write history, and the world is closely watching them as they tally the votes. For those outside of the EU, the Lisbon Treaty is a slightly altered version of the European Constitution, which was shot out of the water in a Dutch and a French referendum. The idea being that, with the enlargement from 15 to 27 countries (and a few more in ascension talks), the EU's current decision process (requiring unanimity) is inefficient. The supporters of the treaty point out that, for the EU to function properly, member states should give up their veto in favor for majority decisions (55% of the member states, representing 65% of the population, for the European Council and a majority in the European Parliament). The skeptics will tell you the treaty asks us to sacrifice sovereignty to a bunch of bureaucrats in Brussels.

Where do I stand in this discussion? I'm a supporter of the treaty, but I can't say I'm insensitive to the arguments of the Nay-camp. The EU is a political experiment without precedent, it is difficult to predict whether changes in legislation will work for the better or not - we have no previous case to compare with. With my country's future in the balance, I have to admit that I do feel a bit nervous when politicians start to tinker with the current formula. Yet, I do believe (and believe is the only proper word, as I have no evidence to support either side of the argument), that further European integration is "A Good Thing". Not only to be a counter weight to other blocks in the world, not only to harmonize the myriad of different sets of rules we now suffer from, not only to strengthen our market economies, but also to make sure we realize that we, as Europeans, are interdependent.

What happens in Latvia, is our concern. What happens in Portugal, does have its effects throughout the Union, if our countries are linked to each other like chains in a necklace. I have the hope that this will make us look out for each other. We don't want corruption to take over in Romania, because a corrupt Romanian government is a cancer within our community; and as such, it needs to be taken care of by the European community. A real chance to create lasting peace, stability and prosperity for the whole continent. In my opinion, that is something worth making sacrifices for.

Joshua Klein: The amazing intelligence of crows

2008-06-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

I really recommend TED talks; they cover topics as different as string theory and moving sculptures. This one happens to be about crows, which seem to be intelligent enough to be both very fascinating and slightly scary.

Favorite quote from that TED talk: "So that's the part where the researchers freak out..."

Look at me

2008-06-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Look at me, searching for full comprehension,
although aware I'll never taste sweet understanding,
futile and unavoidable, I float about without direction.

Look at me, frozen in the long empty marble hall,
lost in my own cosmos, without a goal, I dream vividly,
silhouettes dance in my illusion, as in a royal ball.

Look at me, staring back at your eyes,
drifting further in your realm, I wonder,
will you find my carefully hidden lies?

Zoals de golven...

2008-06-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

Zoals de golven bij eb en vloed het strand eten,
veegt tijd geduldig jouw indrukken uit,
todat ik, gelukkig en vrij, jou ben vergeten.

Van aangewakkerde passie, nauwelijks ingetogen,
via brandende stille liefde, alles consumerend,
tot een gedoofde fakkel, van ziel ontvlogen.

Asus eee 701

2008-06-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

Asia already had this little gadget in stores for months now. For the US and UK it is old news too. But for continental Europe, the Asus eee series is still something new. I had put myself on a pre-order list way back in November 2007, but got tired with listening to the "next month, really!" excuses from the import company. Thus, I canceled that order, and waited for them to arrive in the stores, which happened in the first two weeks of May. Now, finally, via my company, I have the chance to play around with one.

It's cute!

I put the DVD case on the keyboard as a comparison in size. You see, it is rather tiny, a class below normal-sized laptops. I believe the official term would be: an ultra-mobile PC, or UMPC. The Asus 701 weighs about 1kg, so it is ideal to just toss in my back-pack and take it along to... well... anywhere, I suppose. I say toss, because it is a fairly robust piece of technology. It has no hard drive, but a SSD (solid state drive). Think of the kind of memory you get on an USB-stick, but faster. Plus points: no delicate moving parts (as in an ordinary hard drive), and rather quick. Negatives: not much storage, only 4Gb (and that's not counting the OS).

It comes installed with a modified Xandros distribution (that's Linux and no Windows). For those familiar with the Linux world: the window manager is an old KDE, a far cry from the spiffy Gnome I've come to know from my Ubuntu desktop at work, but still very functional. On top of Xandros, Asus got it pre-packaged with a number of well known apps: Skype (which works fine with the built in 0.3M webcam), Pidgin, Firefox and Thunderbird to name but a few.

The tiny screen (7"), the low resolution (800 by 480) and the small keyboard do take some getting used to, but after some tweaking with font-sizes and tool bars the screen is reasonably usable and, well, after some adapting, the keyboard turns out to be manageable. Given the price, about 300 EUR, I can certainly live with those limitations. For the functionality you get out of it, it's a bargain.

So, in short, yes, I love it.

"Wonderful life"

2008-05-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

A beautiful cover and a beautiful clip for a a beautiful song.

Amsterdam

2008-05-31T03:01:00.000-07:00

De hoge hakken doen lusten vlammen,
een echo weerklinkt, kondigt lust en valse liefde aan,
voor een hondertal ontvrouwde mannen,
Een kerkklok luidt de nacht in, een klaaglied voor de maan.

Dit is mijn verhaal, de geest van Amsterdam.

Schepen van handel leggen aan in de haven,
Een kleine metropool in de maak, een meer van kansen.
Trots, macht en welvaart, over lijken, de raven!
De wereld aan mijn voeten, en toen kwamen de Engelsen en Fransen

Dit is mijn verhaal, de geest van Amsterdam.

Silent plane

2008-05-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Is the silence unbreakable?
Should I wait for an answer?
Are we still playing this game,
or am I already a passing name,
a forgettable impression made?

Is there an honourable escape,
or, is the only remedy to wake,
to give up and to let go?
Well, no regrets, let it be so.

Blade Runner, "I've seen things..."

2008-05-28T03:32:00.000-07:00

Can't help but being mesmerized by the cult classic "Blade Runner". In particular, this scene covering the end monologue of the protagonist replicant still gets me. The opening line alone (and the way Hauer delivers it) is enough to send a shiver down my spine: "Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave".

Zelf-gebakken gelukzaligheid.

2008-05-28T02:00:00.000-07:00

Gevlucht voor de waarheid, verkeer ik in een droom van illusies, zelfgebakken gelukzaligheid.
Een waterdicht geloof, hypocrisie en objectiviteit een overwonnen kloof, zolang ik mij maar afwend van mijn evenbeeld in spiegel of glas, is er geen spoor van wie ik was.

Now, where did I park my bike?

2008-05-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

After parking my bike I instantly forget the exact location where I locked it up. I do remember a general impression of where it should be, and normally that's enough to find it back with relative ease. Not, however, if you park your bike near Central Station:

Yes, hundreds of bikes. On a small part of the first floor of a three story high bike garage. Took me fifteen minutes to find mine.

A night out

2008-05-24T04:52:00.000-07:00

The evening blossoms to life. The beat of the city is quickening, cabs carve their way in the chaos that is pulsating through the streets. With the heavens obscured by buildings and the eyes blinded by neon light, it is easy to forget there is a world beyond these city walls. Ladies, dressed to kill, attract the eager glances of anxious young men. Their innocence will be quickly lost under the obscurity of a red lantern.

A group of British tourists wanders into me. Breath coloured with the odor of cheap beer and eyes gleefully vacant. With drunk voices they apologize, or not, I can't decipher their speech mangled by both alcohol and unchecked exuberance. Not before long, the city will swallow them whole and leave them on the gutter for Saturday to pick them up, robbed of their pride and, perhaps, their wallets too.

Finally, I reach Dam square. Surrounded by palace and pigeons, by cars and trams, by the sounds, sights and smells of the capital. In the corner of my eye, a bright white flash, tells me I'm yet again a background detail in someone else's photo album.

In the pinkish twilight, Friday night is about to roll over us like a warm blanket, full of promise for our empty hearts.

The Significant Other

2008-05-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

Staying with the theme of confusion: if you'd say that, after nine years of acquaintance, I should be able to predict the behaviour of my significant other to some degree of accuracy, I would reply, yes, that would be a reasonable assumption. Indeed, I should anticipate her every desire as I know to expect 3 to come after 2.

Seems it doesn't quite work that way. Despite being around her, a few of her thoughts and motivations seem to be as elusive to me as Excalibur. Her next word as much a surprise as the passing shadow of a ghost.

So, am I missing clues? Is there a hint in the small pause before answering me, as if she needs a moment to collect the mental strength to respond? Could there be some information in the way she starts every sentence with uttering my name in a sigh? And what treasure of intelligence could be mined from the fact she hangs up on me in mid-sentence? Hmm.... what is she is trying to convey? I said something wrong?

Destined to be puzzled

2008-05-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Life is good. Life is beautiful. It is also quickly spent. Every few days it hits me like a brick: "Wtf? I'm 32!". Whatever happened to the time between graduating from university and today? I still feel like the naive student who is trying to catch up with reality, who is green as grass and wet behind the ears. And perhaps, that is not far from the truth. With every new bit of information I absorb, more questions arise at the horizon, leaving me with the impression that I understand even less than I did a small decade ago. If this keeps up, I'll die as a deeply confused man. Certain only of the mortality of his being, but leaving the rest open for speculation.

Wouldn't that be a bit of an anti-climax? Living a life-time, only to arrive at the conclusion that I know next to nothing?

Football fever

2008-05-19T07:06:00.001-07:00

Seems we have another tournament on our hands. The European football championship? I'm not entirely sure, but people in my neighbourhood apparently found a reason to profusely indulge in national pride:

The above is not an exception. During such games whole streets are dressed in orange. Oh, and the flag. Can't forget the damned flag. Call me paranoid, but when people start to decorate their streets with national symbols, I always get a bit nervous. It makes me want to book a holiday to Greenland.

Brel transcends generations

2008-05-19T04:51:00.000-07:00

Jacques Brel made it to one of the flash points of contemporary culture; the homepage of Digg.com! Generation Y and songs long past, united... if only briefly. In this case, it was "Ne me quitte pas" that managed to get "digged".

To add fuel to the fire, here is my favorite:

Luchtbrug

2008-05-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

Ondanks de kilometers die tussen ons bestaan,
lachen wij naar dezelfde maan, is de afstand tussen ons beiden,
voor een moment, en in mijn waan alleen, vergaan.

10 degrees Celsius above optimum.

2008-05-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Melting. I am melting.

Priorities do matter.

2008-05-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

While brushing up on domestic news, I came across this article. Seems that in 2005 the Netherlands spent 0.9 percent of its GDP on charity. That totals to about 5.6 billion US dollars. Okay, so nearly one percent of our combined national income was spent to make the world a better place. That's a good thing, right?

Yes, it is, but we do have our priorities screwed up. The largest slice of that pie went to churches. 18 percent of it, in fact. Contrast that with the fraction that went to education and research: 6 percent. To put it in another way, when we hand out to charity, we give three times as much to spiritual institutions than to the educational development of our children. If our distribution of charity is a reflection of how we like this country to be, what future awaits us? One where our religious institutions tower above our schools and children repeat hymns to God flawlessly, but can't tell you what the periodic table is?

Sarah Kay, "Hands."

2008-05-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

Sarah Kay peforming at Def Poetry. Quite impressive, I thought.

Must be a bit difficult to park

2008-05-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

On my work to work, I have to take a ferry to cross the IJ, a body of water connecting Amsterdam with, what used to be, the Zuiderzee. Normally, this water way is filled with small freighters steaming up and down, but, in the tourist season, monstrosities like this occasionally glide by:

It's longer and taller than the street I live in!

Merciful one? Not evidently.

2008-05-06T07:20:00.000-07:00

While I was enjoying the pleasant summer weather, on the other side of the Eurasian continent people were fighting for their lives as a tidal wave and a cyclone ravaged their homes. BBC reports over 22000 confirmed casualties, and almost twice that number of people are missing.

I'm an atheist, but if I did subscribe to the notion of a creator, I would be shouting to the heavens, damning whoever is in charge for allowing this to happen.

Metamor city

2008-05-06T00:32:00.001-07:00

If you are into fantasy, mixed with a moody shade of urban culture and topped with just a dab of sci-fi, the Metamor City podcast could be of interest to you.

Every other week a chapter from an ongoing epic adventure is published, and in the archives there are a few stories which stand on their own. Including this one, a tale of a vampire with a heart. Well, metaphorically speaking, that is.

Nature strikes back.

2008-05-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

No! The local flora seems to be devouring our office building!

But on the 5th...

2008-05-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

On the 4th we remember the fallen of WWII, but on the 5th we celebrate our freedom!

Albeit not very enthusiastically, if you were to judge from above photo. I suppose, and I sincerely hope, that at other festivals in the country, there was a more lively atmosphere.

Neutrality disputed

2008-05-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

People have been trying to convince me of this argument for years, but it was not until I read Het zijn net mensen (They are just like people) by Joris Luyendijk that I changed my position on the perceived neutrality of quality news outlets like BBC News.

How naive it may sound, I did entertain the notion that at least a few Western news agencies did make an honest effort to tell the story objectively. And probably, that is not entirely false, but what Luyendijk (who is an ex-correspondent for the Middle-East) does illustrate successfully is the sheer inability to cover news objectively by default in hot spots like Jerusalem.

The truth in such places is wrapped in so many layers of spin it is nye impossible to extract it. If, against all odds, a journalist does manage to get to the core of the issue, it turns out to be so mindbogglingly complex, that it can't be fit into a news clip of 45 seconds dealing with the latest terrorist attack. Thus, unless we actively search for it, we never get the full picture.

Given Luyendijk's detailed inside view into our lacking means of reporting news, I guess I have to reset my opinion on most of the issues dominating the media to the honest, but utterly irrelevant,"I don't know".

You Are Here.

2008-05-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

In fact, we are all here.

Carl Sagan's pale blue dot:

Procrastination hurts, okay?

2008-05-04T12:57:00.001-07:00

Does this happen to more people?

I set out this morning, confident that I'll do A, B and C. Noon hit, and I hadn't start to work on A yet. But at least, it wasn't too late yet to finish B and C before dinner. Two hours later, I was still watching some YouTube movies and B didn't seem so important anymore, but I was still very committed to C. "I'll get to it after this clip, I promise". At 10pm, of course, C had completely failed to materialize in my schedule.

But at least, I got around to blog about not doing A, B and C. That counts for something, right?

Clean desk policy?

2008-05-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

I didn't think so.

Searching for that vitally important doctor's prescription adds character to an otherwise dull hour. Don't you think?

A tradition worth keeping

2008-05-04T11:18:00.001-07:00

I care little for traditions in general. Often I find they have outlived their use, if they had any to begin with. Sentimental hooks to the past, best left in the volumes of history.

There is one exception, though: remembering the fallen on the 4th May. It is custom that, in the Netherlands, every year on that date, when the clock strikes 8pm, the country falls silent to remember the victims of the second world war, and all wars thereafter, for two minutes.

It is a breathtaking event. During these 120 seconds, the country literally stops and reflects back on what we should never let happen again. Today, most of Europe is united in the common desire for a lasting peace. And in those two minutes I reaffirm to myself once more that this is perhaps the most important consequence the union has helped to bring about. The promise of peace alone is worth dismantling our national boundaries.

John Lennon is dead.

2008-05-04T09:58:00.001-07:00

But, we still sing his songs. We will always sing his songs.

Queen's day...

2008-04-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Barely I manage to focus my thoughts. The bass of some podium is effectively drumming me out of my own rhythm. It is Queen's day again. One of those rare moments I actually regret living in Amsterdam.

You see, on that day we celebrate the birth day of the current Queen's mother. She has passed away already, but the tradition kind of stuck. No one really cares about the royal house too much though, most just take this day as an excuse to get drunk and to have a good time.

That's all good and well. But they tend to do this, en masse, in the capital; Amsterdam. From the countryside people flock to the events staged in the city, and through them countless liters of urine end up discharged in the streets and canals. For people, like me, who actually live here, that's kind of annoying. Please, if you want to have a good time, fine. But don't wreck my city in the process, will you?

The day after, biking through the city is a bit like navigating through a war zone. Tourists, still dazzled, amazed and hung over, cover the pavement. Piles of broken bottles scatter the bike lanes, and in more than a few streets a stench lingers which is best left undescribed.

On that day, I usually play with the idea that Amsterdam should follow Singapore's example, break away from the Kingdom and proclaim to be an independent republic. First law of the newly founded state? On the 30th of April, the borders are closed.

32

2008-04-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

32 years of age. Can I still call myself young? Should I stop playing around, and grow up already? Did I make good use of those years? Will I do better in those to come? 32. Can't say it feels different from 27. Should I worry about that too?

Another round in the language wars.

2008-04-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

The curtain is falling for Rails, or so it seems. On Slashdot and Digg, I find more and more posts detailing how that company switched to Python and this programmer ranted about scalability issues in Ruby on Rails. The poster child of 2007 knifed down in mid 08. Hypes at the web development side seem to be even less tenacious than fashion trends.

These language wars on forum threads do make me worry, though. They seem to be fueled by the same madness that makes people rally under a flag without any rational thought intervening.

What ever happened to the notion to pick the right tool for the job? Need quick and dirty solution? PHP is your friend. You want something solid for a financial institute. Pick Java. You like to be on the bleeding edge, how about Python?

Friends found.

2008-04-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Fact of my life: I've connected favorably with people all over the world. From the United States to Australia, from Amsterdam to Moscow, from Bucharest to Hong Kong. I've come to learn that the same issues that keep me awake, worry those in the Far East or the Western frontier. Between the cultures, between the languages, there is a space where it is evident that we are all alike. This seems so obvious, but some just to refuse to acknowledge that simple point.

For every friend I've made, I've also met a person bent on hating one group or another. May it be Muslims or Christians, may it be black, brown, yellow or white. I understand the temptation to blame away your own problems, your own misfortunes. The economy slows down? Blame the immigrants. You can't reach the echelon of power? Blame the Jews. It is a strategy which exchanges feeling inferior with a notion of self-righteousness. It also replaces cooperation with fear. It only will work in your favor until the time comes they start to hate you back, as the manufactured fear morphs into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I guess, being distrustful or descending to bigotry in the worst of times is just a part of the human condition. However, today we have the infrastructure to communicate at will with a billion others; a tremendous opportunity to discover we have so much in common. But, on the other hand, this awesome means of distribution can be used to spread propaganda that could fuel our bigotry to unparalleled heights.

I imagine, the 21st century will be quite a ride.

Innocence lost

2008-04-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

The wind pushed our ships East and West,
temptation won, swiftly our ethics were laid to rest.
Under our nails the soil of foreign continents stained our soul,
to increase our sphere of influence, our only goal.
For new tea, silk or slaves, we made little compromise.
The profit of bounty, source of our art and science.

Our unrestrained lust for expansion, they haunt our reminiscence.
For our duty, today and tomorrow, is to remember what we've lost.
Through pillage and rape, what we so hastily spoiled, is our innocence.

Nightmare

2008-04-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that realm between dreaming and waking up? Bear with me, it is not a place that easily yields to language. Perhaps, it is best described as the world between our illusions and our perceived reality. A few minutes of utter confusion, as the shadow of a dream slowly retreats. It is where rationality conflicts with chaos, it is where the left hemisphere struggles for control over random images and thoughts. Not all together an enjoyable process, but it is the start of each and every morning before I get aware enough to start with my morning routine.

I fear terribly that on one day, I will not be able to leave that place and I would remain trapped. Trapped in the prison of a dream, without grasping the whole. Yet with enough reflection to be painfully aware of the fact that I am but a mere echo of the person I should be. Forever caught between two worlds, not belonging to either.

Preachers, no thanks.

2008-04-19T04:50:00.000-07:00

Please, will the religious with a fairy tale to sell just stay away? Do not come at my door, do not try to convince me. Chances are, many men and women have already tried and failed. Do not put your brochure in my mail, leave your pedant preachy tone at home.

Follow some education, understand our understanding of the world, and then, when you've swallowed the knowledge elementary biology and geology has to offer, come back and, maybe, we can have an interesting debate.

But until the day comes you open up that damned of shell of yours, leave me the fuck alone. Can you do that?

Wende Snijders

2008-04-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I do not think you need any command of French or Dutch to appreciate her voice, her passion, her performance.

Geesten dansen een festijn

2008-04-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

Geesten dansen een festijn.
In mij, neurier ik hetzelfde refrein
"Geen spijt van het verleden",
lieg ik, de waarheid verkleden

Een leven raast voorbij, gezichten, gevels, lichten.
Maar ik sta stil, bevroren, verscholen achter mijn plichten.
Genot, voor altijd een verboden fruit,
en, opnieuw, vlucht ik verleden en toekomst uit.

Dan, wanneer mijn lichaam mij van tijd berooft,
en mijn laatste gedachte onuitgesproken dooft,
zal ook die een leugen zijn
de diepst gekoesterde illusie van mij?

Briesje

2008-04-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

Een briesje dwaalt door het park,
streelt de liefdesdans van een jong paar,
haar haren strelen zijn huid, haar geur,
maakt hem van elke stimulus gewaar.

Een briesje dwaalt door het park,
draagt de stem van de dronkeman tot aan het plein,
scheldend op de schimmen van zijn verbeelding,
de vroege ochtend zal zijn straf zijn.

Een briesje dwaalt door het park,
en wappert de vlam van een sigaret aan,
genoten door de vrouw, genietend van de speelse rust,
voor de nachtmerrie begint, straks, achter haar raam.

Een briesje dwaalt door het park,
het beroert de dorre grijze haren,
van een oude statige heer, krom gezeteld,
gevangen door de spijt van verloren jaren.

Mijn februari

2008-02-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

Een vluchtige lach schetst een herinnering voor een leven, onbeduidend en onschulding in haar bedoeling, neemt ze mij mee naar 't verboden paradijs, voor even.

Maar in de straat, gebogen onder de winterlucht, onder de schaduw van een liefde die niet kan, waan ik mijzelf naar huis. Opnieuw, gevlucht.

Geen illusies heb ik over de werkelijkheid, maar geen gecultiveerd ratio is bestand, tegen de charmes die haar gegund zijn, en daarom, is zij mijn valentijn.

Amsterdam en Moskou

2007-10-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

"Gezichten glijden voorbij, half verscholen onder paraplu's. Levens lopen langs mij heen, en voor een seconde sluiten zij aan met het mijne.

Oogcontact, niet meer dan een flits, de tijdspanne van het moment van herkenning van een andere ziel. Dan, ontkoppeling, en ik verdwijn uit het bestaan van de ander.

Dat gevoel. De verliefdheid van een minuut, als de charme van een wapperende sjaal om de hals van een vrouw fietsend door wind en regen, je optilt maar je bij de volgende kruising alleen laat.

De toerist die ongewild het fietspad op wandelt, de student die kleurrijk vloekend uitwijkt. De scene van elke dag, elk moment, in de stad. Omringd door vreemden, geniet ik van de variatie van ons leven."

Bovenstaande beschrijft het tafereel dat ik dagelijks mee maak als ik van werk naar huis fiets. Ik ontmoet dagelijks zoveel verschillende mensen, die ik, na een korte blik, nooit meer zal zien. Zoveel kennis, herinneringen, gedachten, wandelen langs mij heen, zonder dat ik er ooit van mag en kan proeven.

Ik heb een paar maanden in Moskou gewoond, en daar werkt het anders. Mensen keken mij niet of nauwelijks aan. De metro was gevuld met dames en heren die in hun boekjes gedoken zaten, meedijnend op het geschommel van de wagon. Op de roltrappen leken ze als dominostenen gearrangeerd, wachtend op dat laatste zetje. Binnen de massa die de avondspits vormde was er weinig ruimte voor individualiteit of speelsheid; het enige wat telde was de volgende overstap.

Het staat in schril contrast met de gastvrijheid die je binnenshuis meemaakt. Buren, die mij totaal vreemd waren, nodigen mij onmiddellijk uit voor het avondeten. En voor de nacht inzet, heb ik twee nieuwe vrienden gemaakt en toost ik de vierde wodka weg met een ode aan de Russische ziel.

Elke keer dat ik snuffel aan een nieuwe cultuur, vallen mij twee paradoxale ervaringen op: "mensen zijn mensen, overal" en "jeetje, dat doen wij toch heel anders". Ik plak er geen waardeoordeel op, maar het fascineert mij wel. Blijkbaar kan het zelfde wezen, i.e. de mens, op zoveel verschillende manieren invulling vinden aan het bestaan. Het is verbijsterend.